White Whales and Insulting Socks

White Whales and Insulting Socks

Dec 5th 2020

Current mood of the fish theater:irrepressible, remonstrative

The White Whale Elephant Sale is here.

It's not every year. Sometimes decades pass without a visit from this pod of aquatic merchants, but this year, here they are; the White Whale Elephant Sale. Belugas, mostly, with an orca or two, their caravans of water-tight wagons pulled by meticulously-harnessed sardines.

What they sell is a mystery. It comes wrapped, and no amount of pleading or bribery has ever convinced them to describe it for us. "This goes with anything," they might tell us. "This one's good for a rainy Sunday indoors." But size? Purpose? Will it trigger an allergic attack in the cabin boy? On these matters they are silent.

They swim up to the side of the ship, knock on the portholes, and whisper things like "hey Stinkfoot, isn't your mom's birthday coming up? Have you gotten her a present yet?" And yes, it is, and no, Stinkfoot hasn't. Stinkfoot's mom will deny having talked to them, but they always know.

The wares sold by the White Whale Elephant Sale, even after we buy them and unwrap them and look at them and understand what they are, maintain their secrets. Sure, this one looks like a ceramic coin vault shaped like a human skull, and what could be less mysterious than that? Still, we are filled with a sense of the uncanny. Alison swears that the set of small glass jars for bringing shampoo etc. through TSA rearranges itself when she's not looking.

And so they open up their waterproofed wagons, and we buy things. The prices are just so reasonable, you know? And Stinkfoot's mom's birthday is coming up.

Get something for the Stinkfoot's Mom in your life.

Do your socks feel empty?

Most fitted legware are not created with peg or wooden legs in mind. They do not embrace the replacement leg with tenderness and valiance; instead, they sag, droop, and avoid. This can lead your leg to experience low self-confidence. Fill up that empty space with small objects from 826 Valencia.

In the old days, before the internet, when we were becalmed or marooned or swallowed by sea creatures, we would strip some bark from a tree, write as many words as would fit with some charcoal or crushed snails or whatever, shove that in a bottle we had been using to store grog, and hope that whoever found it could decipher where we were and what we needed. Message In A Bottle (2.0) is in most ways better than that.

Unicorn Horn Polish. Made for, by, or possibly from unicorns. We are afraid to ask.

Pleasantly minty. Soothes, softens and adds a comely luster to unicorn horns, gnome callouses and human lips.

Do you often misplace your key to another dimension, lifelong hilarity, brilliance and valor, continuous acclaim and strong teeth, enviable dance moves, or peace and abdominal health? Your misplacements are a thing of the past with these clearly-labeled and eye-catching keytags.

All this, and much more.